


i don't have a sweetheart (yet)

by yoonminsmofo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/F, Genderswap, coffeshop, girl!direction, minor lilo in segments, niall is a raging lesbian, niall's a coffee shop employee, theyre all girls in this, zayn is not, zayn's a college student
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonminsmofo/pseuds/yoonminsmofo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The four times Zayn takes Niall's breath away and the one time Niall takes Zayn's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't have a sweetheart (yet)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a genderswap fic!! That means this includes lesbians and all girl!direction. None of them are guys. Leave a comment if I ever stumble over gender pronouns. It's in the style of a five/times au, but with a little twist. Enjoy! (Yes, the title is inspired by Gun Song by The Lumineers, from Niall's playlist for Zayn)

_**1.** _

When _she_ first comes into the cafe on the corner of 3rd Court and 2nd Terrace, Niall is floored. This girl who's just walked in has got legs for days in a pair of black skinny jeans and a black heart on her hip that only make its appearance known when the girl's long sleeve sweater rides up. Her long hair moves like liquid in a fishtail braid that she haphazardly throws over her shoulder, tight black ropes falling in front of her left breast. She's gorgeous and oblivious to the fact as she smiles at the ground cutely, the smooth October breeze following her in.

And, of course, Niall's taken coffee duty today so Harry - who, by the way, is much better in the kitchen than Niall - can serve the pretty girl. Niall knows Harry's a flirt, too. Knows that girl could have anyone begging for her in mere minutes. Which sucks for Niall because as she would complain later, "I saw her first, therefore, she was supposed to be mine." But for now, she could frost lattes and listen in on the conversation.

"It's pretty cold out, no?" Harry says. She leans forward on the counter with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Niall knows she's cute and knows that she has no chance against her. Niall hears the black haired girl giggle a little and she probably agrees because then Harry's saying, "Well, maybe you could stick around a bit and I could warm you up after my shift."

It happens in a flash, Niall's eyes widened before she felt scalding heat against her stomach and her thighs. "Shit," _not again_ , she thinks as she quickly grabs a few napkins and drops to her knees. She's aware of everyone's eyes on her as she crouches and cleans her mess. The burning coffee that seeps through her khakis soaks her thigh and makes her already raw skin scream.

"Christ, Niall," Harry groans. She excuses herself from the long line before her and goes to aid her best friend. She lifts the blushing blond up to her feet. "You've got to stop this, Ni," Harry murmurs. She reaches up into one of the cupboards and gets the spare change of clothes they keep specifically for Niall. That's how pathetic she is. "Go get changed and come back out when you've calmed yourself down."

Niall humphs, but she goes if only to get away from the humiliating laughs and soft honey eyes looking at her.

It really sucks that getting crushes on her customers is second nature. She's a lesbian who works in the middle of one of the busiest streets in London. Hell fucking yes she's bound to crush on some of the girls that appear out of the October breeze. But fuck if she burns herself with coffee one more time, she's quitting.

She tries to spend as much time as possible in the back because if she gets another look at that beautiful girl, she's absolutely done. Harry, though, comes knocking at the door and then she's being dragged out past the kitchen and straight to the counter.

"Please," Harry murmurs as she ties the apron on Niall and pulls her hair into a soft pony tail. "Just work quickly and ignore whatever anybody says if it's mean." The emerald eyed girl looks at her gently before pressing a kiss to her forehead and heading back.

Now for the hardship.

There's a full line in front of her and she feels the heat rushing to her cheeks quickly when she notices some snickers from her left.

"Hi. Welcome to Petite's. Can I take your order?" The white collar man before her says his order and she smiles at him as she puts it in. It's hassle free and she thinks the rest of the line could go this way. As if.

"Hello! Welcome to Pe-" Shit. She's looking straight into hazel eyes and a beautiful smile. The girl pulls a piece of hair that's fallen from her braid behind her ear as she leans forward a little.

"Uh, hi," she says all quiet and shy and Niall could've definitely guessed that about her. "I just wanted to see you and see if you were okay? You must've, like, burned yourself pretty badly. Are you alright?" the soft girl asks. Her eyes were steely and a little round around the edges like she genuinely cared. She couldn't though. Niall was full of so much false hope.

She hadn't noticed that she hadn't answered and really this gorgeous girl had all the time in the world because the line was gone. "Yeah, uh, yeah fine. I'm okay. It's just a little burn. Nothing I'm not used to." She forces a laugh. She wants someone to come up to the line so she can kindly push this girl away.

But no such luck.

"Oh," she murmurs. "You spill coffee on yourself a lot?" It's just that Niall doesn't really talk to her customers this much. She's more reserved and quiet and simple with them, but this girl is so lovely and pretty.

"Clumsy, I am. Spill a lot of things in my life," she says. _Yeah, like non subtle hints to your harboring crush._ Yeah. "But whatever. I'm fine and alright. You, uh, want something or something? Put in your order quick?" Niall rushes. The black haired girl laughs a little before shaking her head.

"I've had mine already. I actually have to go," the girl says as she looks down at her phone. "I'll call for you next time I come by." And she's gone, her entire being lifted away with the October breeze, the same one that carried her in and took Niall's air supply.

**_2._ **

It's been a month and Niall's honestly settled on never seeing the shy girl again. It's November now and she's so out of it, that she's just putting in orders and offering a subtle smile to everyone. It's on another gust of wind that an angel breaks through the mundane air of the shop.

Niall looks up and her eyes seem to widen. The girl's back! She's actually here! Her heartbeat quickens and her breath stops as she looks up and makes eye contact with the girl who shivers from the cold, but melts Niall with a hot smile. Niall's cheeks enflame, she knows it.

"You might wanna close your mouth before the flies come in," a stupid voice snickers beside her ear. She turns to Louis who laughs beside her with a wicked grin. "Though, your girl is really hot." Niall cheeks burn as she smacks Louis in the arm, the little shithead just laughing on her way back to Harry.

Niall turns back around and she sees the black haired girl pulling a laptop onto the table. As it is her luck, the girl catches her eye and waves her over. She scoots over on the bench and even pats the seat beside her. Niall wants to die.

"Hey, Niall!" the girl exclaims after she logs into her computer to expose a galaxy background. Niall hates to admit it, but she's absolutely smitten.

"Hey," she takes the seat and is aware of Louis pulling Harry to stare. "How'd you know my name?" The dark haired girl gives her a funny look as she points to her breast and - _woah_.

"It's, uh, on your name tag?" she says as if it's obvious. Niall looks down quick and. Yeah. They give those to the employees. "My name's Zayn, by the way."

God, she's so lovely, even her name sounds like it was specifically chosen by the gods. She tucks a strand behind her ear as she opens a notebook and a bookmarked page on her computer that opens to a classroom page for Queer Literature.

It's like the universe has finally heard Niall's prayers and she feels like jumping five feet in the air and cheering. Damn.

Niall tears her eyes from the computer screen only to find Zayn looking down at her notes with a pen stuck behind her ear and holding back her unruly hair. She looks too good to be real and it's ridiculous because she just has a blue ink pen behind her ear, for fuck's sake. She's not supposed to look like a Burberry model.

"Can I get you anything while you study?" Niall asks. She doesn't move to stand because Louis hasn't come over yet and she really is due for a break so she'll just remain sitting.

Unless Zayn speaks up because anything for Zayn.

But the black haired girl just shakes her head and sends a soft smile in Niall's direction before going back to her work.

And Niall knows when she's not needed anymore, but she likes this. She like the domesticity and the calmness of the air as Zayn studies quietly and Niall watches her, watches the way she holds her pen and the way her letters are sharp and pointy, but sweet and rounded. She looks smart in that subtle way where she won't drop useless facts everywhere, but will correct you at the drop of a hat if you pitch an argument. She looks pretty in that subtle way, almost no makeup on at all and her hair falling simply.

She looks up at Niall and smiles as she caps her pen and puts it down. "Choose something to talk about so we're not sat here all awkward," she says. Her page is filled out completely with notes and she looks calm and collected with herself. She smiles up at Niall and Niall wonders if only she knew how badly she wanted to wake up to that smile.

"Well, uh, your studies! You go to school around here?" Niall asks. She's not sure if she's allowed to pry, but Zayn lights up with excitement. She pushes her hair behind both ears, a hairstyle Niall could absolutely never pull off, that looks so amazingly nice on this dark skinned girl that's taken center stage in Niall's head.

"Yeah, actually, I go to Barnard College. It's an amazing school with some of the most amazing classes," Zayn says softly. She smiles again, a dainty little number that stretches her full lips and shows the slightest bit of teeth. God, she's perfect.

"I don't mean to be intrusive," Zayn says softly as her hair falls softly back in her face. "But do you go to school?" Zayn looks at her expectantly and Niall feels kinda really dumb because she doesn't go to school. She already did her school time and if this black haired girl was still in Uni, how old could she be? Or, rather, how young.

"Um, no. I'm out of school. I went for business, culinary, and music. Culinary and business for the bakery and a minor in music because I've always had an affinity. Maybe I'll go into that next." Niall looks up at the girl who looks back at her funny.

"Wait," she says, "I'm confused. How old are you?"

Niall wrings out her hands. "I'm 25."

At the new bit of information, Zayn's eyes widen almost comically. "You're 25? I thought you were younger than me. Not five years older." And, shit, that means Zayn's only 20. She's a fresh adult who has already stolen Niall's heart. Shit.

"Niall!" Louis yells from the kitchen. "We need you!" Niall thanks the highest heavens for making her get up and head back to the kitchen.

She goes to stand up, but Zayn grabs her wrist softly. "If you want to keep talking after you're done in there, I think I'll be here for a while. Got some work to do, yeah?" Niall watches as the black haired girl smiles softly, lets go of her wrist, and gives a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

Niall shakes her head, though. "Don't apologize. If you don't mind, I'll be back." And Niall does mean it, she will be back to talk with Zayn and figure her out.

_**3.** _

Niall doesn't know when the hell it happened, but "I'll be back" means Niall always has something to look forward to because Zayn drops in every single day. Zayn takes Niall's breath away every single day.

Sometimes she pulls out a sheet of notes and her laptop, sometimes a book, and sometimes a sketchbook. Niall knows her full name and her family's names and how many sisters she has and a whole list of people and stories. Niall knows she likes her French Vanilla coffee with three little cups of half and half, creamer, and two packs of sugar. Niall also knows she prefers tea to coffee and takes her tea similarly, but soaked in milk instead of water. She likes her chai tea more spicy than sweet and always takes it with a little vanilla cupcake with white frosting that she always ends up licking off before eating the cake, much like a child would. Niall knows so much about her now, and her admiration and fondness hasn't decreased in the slightest.

Zayn's ended up motivating Niall to come in on that gloomy Sunday even if Louis gave her off. It was foggy when Niall got ready and it only started raining two minutes after Niall stepped into the shoppe.

"Just barely cheated the storm, Ni," Harry says as she wipes the glass around the baked treats. Liam comes from the back with a wide smile regardless of the black world outside.

Louis sighs from beside her as she slouches around Niall's freckled shoulder. "It's gonna be a slow day, ladies."

And it is a slow day, the storm outside not letting up. No one's going to come in today. They aren't complaining because the four girls set up the music player to connect with Harry's phone as they dance and sing around the shoppe. Louis and Liam clutch each other in their tango while Harry dances by herself. Niall doesn't want to admit it, because she does truly does love her life long friends, but she kinda wants Zayn there, too.

She's gotten accustomed to having the black haired girl around. Niall liked their dancing around their feelings, the way Zayn would brush her hand against Niall's when she walked by or the way Niall would make funny faces at her over the computer to distract her and raise a smile on her lips.

"Haz, I'm gonna get a cupcake, yeah?" Niall says as she opens the glass case. Niall just grabs a little blue frosted chocolate cupcake when the bells above the door ring and a collective gasp rises from the other three girls. She hurriedly stands up straight to see what's going on and when she does see, her jaw drops.

There, in plain sight is Zayn sopping wet, her hair pressed along her neck and cheeks. Her shirt clings unattractively to her chest with her bare arms covered in goosebumps. Niall doesn't hesitate for a moment to hurriedly grab her hoodie and an extra shirt to bring to Zayn.

Liam and Louis have already settled her into a booth near the heater while Harry turns down the air conditioning. "Zayn," Niall says as she passes the two girls surrounding the shaking Zayn. "Put this on. C'mon, you'll get sick." 

When Zayn gets on the loose tee and the too big hoodie, she settles into the clothes, her hands swallowed by the sleeves.

"Here, love, made you a tea." Harry emerges from the kitchen with a mug of tea as she hands it to Zayn. Niall doesn't mean to seem bitter, but she knows that's not Zayn's tea. That's not the way Zayn likes her tea. Harry doesn't know it and Niall almost runs into the back to make it the right way.

Regardless of whether it is or isn't - it's not, Niall's adamant in her belief - Zayn drinks it down with a content smile on her blue tinted lips. She smiles wide when she finishes it, the heat in her tummy now bubbling life back into her cold bones.

"Honey, what happened? You looked ready to freeze to death when you came in," Louis questions. The rest of the girls nod along with her, the same question on their lips.

Zayn shrugs, though, like it's nothing. "It's stupid, no worries." Niall watches the way she settles deeper into the oversized hoodie like she wants to hide.

Louis asks again, though, there's more hint at needing an answer than there was the first time. Zayn looks down, her hands fidgeting.

"Don't laugh," she begins, "but I saw a girl and her umbrella broke and I was using my jacket as an umbrella, so I gave her my jacket. It's stupid, I know." She settles deeper into the booth ready for the mocks of her kindness and of her weakness.

Though, they don't come as Liam coos at her and Harry pulls her into a hug. "Zayn, that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. It's not stupid, you're an amazing person," Harry says. Zayn looks up at her, ready for them to take it back and taunt her like everybody else would. She just receives wide smiles all around, her face burning from embarrassment.

"I-I'm gonna use the bathroom. Be right back." Zayn excuses herself quickly with her face still on fire.

The second the door shuts, Niall groans as she's hounded with questions.

"Why didn't you talk to her?"

"Why are you being so awkward?"

"If you like her so much, why don't you act like it?"

Niall raises a hand. "You guys need to hush. I can deal with my love life on my own, thanks." She can, really. Niall has a pretty high self confidence bar. It's just that Zayn's practically flawless and Niall's anything but.

Niall sits against the bench as Louis and Liam go back to dancing and Harry hurries to snack on a brownie. They hear the door click and Zayn emerges with a bright and warm face, her lips no longer blue. Zayn passes by the two girls without so much as a second glance as she sidles into Niall's seat.

"Hi," she says. She pulls her legs up under her and pulls the sleeves down to bunch up in her palms.

Niall looks to her left and lifts her arm to wrap snugly around Zayn's shoulder. "Hey." Zayn moves under her arm until she's curled into Niall's side with a content smile on her face. Niall's hoodie runs past Zayn's waist and sits lightly at her thighs. Niall thinks she looks much too cute in it, her little hands gone and her small body swallowed by the jacket.

"You did an amazing thing today," Niall says. "Just made the dumb mistake of trying to come here during a storm." Zayn squeezes into Niall's side a little more when a breeze knocks her off guard.

"What," Zayn says. "You think I wasn't going to come and see you? You're not getting rid of me so fast." Zayn faces up at Niall who looks down at her with a little smile.

Niall pulls her back into her side so they sit flush against each other, Zayn's forehead in Niall's collar. "Stupid, stupid. If you get sick, then you'll go much longer without seeing me."

Zayn shrugs, though, like she doesn't care. "Who said I wouldn't come if I was sick?"

(Zayn's does not end up getting sick, but she has a cough and a sore throat for the next week.)

_**4.** _

Niall thinks Zayn's cute. Really cute, actually. She's all smiley and giggly and sweet and Niall's never once seen her with an upset face. She's always bright and alive and happy. She's smart (top of her class) and talented (Niall has seen her arts and she's more than talented)

Niall thinks she could be in love.

**

It's barely just hit seven in the morning when the bells above the door jingle. Niall looks up in confusion because they're not open for a whole half an hour, but someone has completely disregarded the 'closed' sign hanging right on the door.

"Sorry, buddy. We're-" To Niall's surprise, Zayn pops up behind the counter with a bright smile on her face.

"Hi, Niall!"

Niall's words get caught in her throat as she watches as the normally dressed down girl that is Zayn has done her makeup flawlessly, her body fitting into a nice blouse and a pencil skirt as her hair's been pulled into a high bun on her head.

"You look nice, Z. What's the occasion?" Niall says as she wraps her in a hug. Zayn really does look professional and very much like a young and powerful woman. Niall admires her.

Zayn looks up with a sweet little glint in her eye. "Actually," she sighs deeply, her chest rising and falling with the movement. "I'm out looking for a job! I have three interviews today!" Niall raises her eyebrows because three's a lot, but she knows Zayn and knows that she'll get what she wants.

So she settles on embracing her in a big hug, careful not to mess up any part of her highly professional look, and presses a soft, "Good luck. I believe in you," to a little spot under her jaw. Zayn giggles softly, her face a blushing red when Niall pulls back. She believes in herself, too. Well, for the most part.

"I'm just afraid I'm gonna fail, Ni. And I won't be taken seriously and the employees won't like me. I'm just some stupid writer and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and-" Zayn stops herself mid sentence, her head falling to Niall's shoulder. "I just don't want to fail."

Niall kinda knows she's in love.

Her arm wraps around Zayn as the black haired girl groans. "I have to go soon. Just wanted to see you before I went to my impending doom." Zayn laughs as she pulls away from Niall. "Wish me luck?" she asks, all seriousness and hopefulness back in her eyes as she presses Niall close in a hug.

"All my luck, honey."

**

Niall doesn't see Zayn for the entire day, every jingle of the little bells making her heart pick up pace. But no Zayn anywhere. She gets it, the poor girl has three job interviews to pack into her day along with school. Niall can't really be upset if she doesn't end up coming in again.

It's just Niall likes having her come in. Niall likes seeing the bubbly raven haired girl smiling joyously at her. She likes making her tea and sitting with her and playing with her. She likes it when Zayn's happy and awake and when Zayn's sleepy and off kilter. She likes every side of her so much it hurts.

"Hey, where's your girl?" Louis says from behind her. Niall shrugs because she's not fighting Louis anymore and she's kinda pissy about only seeing Zayn briefly that morning.

"She's looking for a job. Out. I don't think she'll come in again today." Louis must not hear the tone of voice, or must not care about it, as she shrugs and turns around.

"Well, just because she's not coming in, doesn't mean you can lack on your work."

Niall looks at the time, the clock barely hitting 2 in the afternoon. How much longer? She clicks into the kitchen to take her shift back there if only to not have to talk to anybody and not see the booth where Zayn normally sits filled with stupid hipsters. It's calmer in the back, a little bit nicer and a lot less Zayn like so Niall's able to breathe a little lighter in the back room.

Niall froths coffees left and right, quick orders being thrown at her. But she's not complaining because anything is better than being reminded of Zayn and how she's dealing with separation anxiety which makes no sense. They aren't even together. It's just the distance between Zayn and Niall is usually just the glass counter with little treats and shit. It's never been Zayn gone for the whole day and not sitting with Niall to talk to her and laugh with her.

"Niall, get your head out of the clouds. C'mon, thirty minutes to closing, can you handle?" Louis says from the door. Niall's eyes light up in the most comical way because who knew sulking in the back would take so much time.

"Can I take counter just, like, in case she comes in?" Niall says quietly, but jumps excitedly when Louis sighs her agreement. "Aw, Lou, how I love you," Niall says into Louis's cheek before going to the counter.

The loudness of the restaurant itself makes Niall feel better. There are few tables filled, but still people hanging around and enjoying themselves. They all look happy and Niall's just happy watching the door.

She's like a small child, a big smile on her face, and her feet tapping against the floor giddily. She can't wait for the door to open to Zayn's gorgeous face to tell her all about her day and everything that went on. Zayn would sit with her, drink a tea, smile widely at her while she complains over the first interviewer, but appraise the last interviewer and whatnot. Zayn would be so happy, she'd get accepted into every job because she's simply the greatest and Niall would just love her from afar.

Thirty minutes pass inside Niall's muddled brain and her heart hurts because everyone's clearing out and the girls are cleaning and Zayn's still not there.

"Ni, can you help me in the kitchen?" Harry asks. Niall sighs deeply before taking a washcloth and helping Harry wipe down the machines and counters and put everything in its place. They work quickly and effortlessly, but even though she's preoccupied, Niall can only think of Zayn.

They finish up soon, the clock striking 11.27 when they all settle into the main area. Louis sips a coffee quietly, Liam's arm around her shoulder, and Harry texting someone with a dumb grin on her face. They're all content in the quiet, Niall's heart beating rapidly.

Harry gets up first, a little smile on her face as she shrugs on the oversized coat hung on the back of the chair. "Well, ladies," she says. "Hayden is coming into town and her plane's coming in soon so I should probably go." Harry stands taller than the rest of them, but smiles as she leans down to kiss each of their foreheads. "Love you guys."

After Harry leaves, Liam and Louis aren't too far behind, Louis getting both restless and bored against Liam's side. They tentatively ask if Niall can close up, but Niall smiles widely, a little I've got this on her lips. They say their goodbyes before separating from each other.

Right now, right in this moment where the lights are dim and the air is cool, Niall wants Zayn. Niall thinks she might need Zayn. She needs Zayn's soft voice and her thoughts and just her in general. She wants to know what Zayn did and how she did and she wants to hear Zayn bitch about an interviewer and appraise another one.

It doesn't happen for another five minutes, nor ten, nor even twenty and Niall officially needs to go home. She's in the back and getting her things sadly. She was really hoping to see Zayn again. With a sigh, Niall pushes the kitchen doors and when she steps into the dining space, a smaller body topples into her and clutches her tightly. Niall's alarmed for a minute, but they both settle simultaneously into each other. _Finally._

"I'm sorry. The interviews took so long and I missed the tube and the bus was late and then it broke down and my shirt ripped and I just-" Zayn doesn't need to say anymore when Niall hugs her even tighter.

Zayn doesn't even realize it's happening, and then she's crying into Niall's shoulder, the warm and sweet and _welcome_ feeling in the shoppe and in Niall's arms making her feel at ease. It's like being at home, a home she misses more than anything.

"Hey, hey," Niall says gently. She pulls back enough to see Zayn's face and the makeup that's smeared it and her own black work shirt. She looks like a mess, but Niall thinks she's beautiful as she drags her into the bathroom. "You're alright, c'mon. Let's clean you up."

It's one in the morning and Zayn's still crying when Niall situates them on the bay window. Zayn's taken off her shirt, her shoes, and her tights, just a black pencil skirt and Niall's faded The Who tee covering her. Her makeup's cleared off and her hair frames her delicate, tear stained face. Her hands cup a mug of her favorite tea and Niall's just happy to have her calm beside her.

They're sat quiet and comfortable, until, "I'm sorry I messed up your shirt. And I'm sorry I started crying." Zayn apologizes too much, Niall finds out before she leans forward and brings Zayn into her side. The black haired girl settles down into the cushions, her head falling gently onto Niall's shoulder.

"I miss home, Niall," Zayn admits quietly. It feels like Niall's intruding on a conversation or hearing something she's not supposed to, and if it weren't for Zayn addressing her, she would've pretended not to have heard. But as it goes, Zayn had said her name and is opening up about herself in a way that neither of them ever has.

"Yeah?" Niall supplies, "And where's that, Z?"

Zayn's quiet a while after that, doesn't say a thing in response. Niall worries for a second, doesn't know what Zayn's answer could possibly be, but squeezes her into her side a little closer.

"It's stupid. It's, uh, Bradford, which is, like, just three hours away and I shouldn't even be homesick because that's so close, but I just haven't been home and being stressed out without my mummy around is the worst," Zayn sighs. "And, like, this place feels homelike. And I was okay to cry on you. I was comfortable enough to feel comfort and cry. I never thought I'd get that in London."

Those words shouldn't really pause Niall's heartbeat, but they do. Surely, she can't be the home feeling that made Zayn cry. Zayn's far better than her and better than London. Zayn deserves her home and everything that made her happy, not a crappy tea everyday and a "friend" who barely knows her.

"Niall," Zayn says, again so soft and gentle. "Would it be weird if I said you feel like home?" Zayn's got an impregnable tone in her voice, an undeniable force in her eyes when she looks up at Niall. She's so close like this, Niall can see the freckle in her left eye and the way mascara sticks to the roots of her eyelashes in their span. She's gorgeous in every way, Niall knows this, but right here when her eyes are still puffy and face still red from crying... She's the definition of flawless.

Niall remembers there's a question in the air, a question in Zayn's eyes. With as straight a face she can muster, her mouth forms around the words _not at all_ before she's tipping forward with a hand cupping Zayn's neck to kiss her.

It's like nothing Niall's ever experienced. Absolutely nothing. Her lips are soft and plump against Zayn's, her hair soft where it's caught between Niall's fingers and the nape of her neck. She whimpers high in the back of her throat, a keening noise that makes Niall hungry to chase after it as Zayn leans her hands up and cups Niall's neck. Niall's other hand finds its place on Zayn's hips where she presses slightly to gauge a response from her.

"Niall," Zayn sighs in between kisses. She holds Niall closer again, never wanting to let go.

And she doesn't let go, not for a little bit, until Niall presses into her neck and Zayn pushes her back roughly. "No, N-Ni-" her voice cracks as she gets up quickly. She gets her shoes on in a haste, her shirt and tights haphazardly falling out of her arms. "I-I have to- go." Niall can't even lean over to try and hold her arm back, the black haired girl rushing out with a hand over her mouth and the faded tee slipping down her shoulder.

_**5.** _

Niall doesn't see Zayn for weeks after that, everyday slowly getting harder and harder to get through. Niall barely worked anymore, just stood longingly at the coffee machine. She would stir, mix, make, and froth coffees over and over repeatedly, the mundanity getting to her head. She was so bored with not seeing Zayn every two seconds, so unused to the feeling.

"Niall," Louis asks during a break. "Where's Zayn? She hasn't come by in forever."

Niall truly feels ill about it, her hands kinda shaky. She kissed Zayn. She scared Zayn. She had crossed a line without Zayn and made things bad. Louis couldn't know that Niall had caused any of it. She couldn't.

Louis nudges her in the side, Niall jumping up in alarm. "Yeah, um. I have no idea. I mean. It's whatever." Niall plays it off with a roll of her shoulder, as if she's calm about Zayn's disappearance. If Zayn doesn't want to talk this through with Niall, then alright. Alright whatever. Niall's about to step away from Louis, but the smaller girl catches her arm.

"What did you do? The last one of us to see her was you." And Niall likes to think its not her fault. Niall doesn't even think about it anymore, how "her fault" it all was. Niall doesn't appreciate Louis immediately blaming her for something that Niall's been trying to forget and undo in her head.

Niall's anger comes out at once as she pushes Louis back. "Fuck off," she swears, "it's none of your god damn business." To say that Niall is upset is the fucking understatement because Niall is well pissed. She storms out of the shoppe, even, until she's at the bench out front just to feel the cold breeze against her bare arms.

She knows she fucked up, she knows that she messed this up. Niall didn't consent to anything Zayn wanted. The black haired girl never said yes and Niall just ran at it like a god damn maniac. "Fuck," Niall swears out in anger. Why was she like this? Why did she only know how to fuck things up?

The self deprecating remarks continued for a while until a tall guy with black hair and a face much like Zayn's got her attention.

"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you. Um, do you work here? I'm assuming you do, but I couldn't know," he says as he gestures to her stark black work short with the Petite's logo on the breast. Niall nods and smiles at him. "Great, I'm looking for a Neil? Nya, maybe? Um, Zayn's looking for them, if that helps at all?"

Zayn? Did he say Zayn? Niall replays the conversation in her head and yes, for sure he said Zayn. "Yeah, I'm Niall. What does Zayn need me for?"

"She said for you to come meet her at this address whenever you want. She said she's always home and that she's ready to talk, whatever that means," the guy says as he pulls out an index card with an address haphazardly scribbled on. It's Zayn's handwriting done in Zayn's favorite pink pen. Niall can't help the half smile on her face.

She thanks the black haired guy hurriedly as she rushes back inside, a kiss being dropped to each of her girls' cheeks. "I really have to go right now, Louis. It's to do with Zayn. I-I'm gonna fix it." Niall's jacket still smells of Zayn's perfume.

As they bid her good luck and Liam requests for her to tell Zayn they miss her, she waves and steps outside, the directions already blinking on her phone.

She's going to fix this mess and she's going to fix her and Zayn. She's not coming back until she does.

**

In a small back alley way, a little brown door sits just wedged between two broken buildings. Niall winces at the area, but when she checks her phone, she notes that she's exactly where she wants to be. Sighing out loudly, Niall thumbs the little button next to the door until it buzzes and someone's voice cuts through scratchy and gentle.

"Come up! Second floor pink door to your right!" The voice sounds undoubtedly like Zayn, like the way Niall has come to know her. There's a quick click and Niall pushes the door open to a long, narrow hall leading to even narrower stairs. It's eerie around her, the way the light flickers above her head and the stairs creak beneath her every step.

The second floor is a lot more alive, colored mason jars gloving the hanging light bulbs. The decor is faintly masculine, in a sense, blues and blacks of paintings and sculptures thrown over the mainly feminine purple table and dulling the bright of the very mellow yellow wall.

As Niall had been pointed to, there's a pink door with a white border and little black hearts in each corner that makes Niall swallow a breath. She loses her nerve quickly, just the thought of Zayn seeing her and slamming the door in her face heart wrenching. Of course, Zayn had invited her, but Niall couldn't know.

Before she thinks otherwise and runs, Niall knocks quickly, her hands immediately shoving in her front pockets. She feels shaky about this and shaky about that, but mostly just shaky about someone like Zayn toppling her down.

Another quick click sends shivers down Niall's spine as the door pulls open to reveal Zayn in a pair of red and black plaid pajama pants spanning over her bare feet and a big black sweater engulfing her tiny body. Her black choker has a yin yang on it, much like her tattoo, and her ruthless hair falls behind her in a beanie. Niall thinks she's gorgeous, that no other words could capture her so truthfully

"Niall," Zayn breathes, breaking down the boundary of their distance with just one name. "Niall, you came." Zayn can't take her eyes off her, her ringed hand whitening with its grip so harsh against the door.

"I'm sorry, where are my manners," Zayn says incredulously as she steps aside and ushers Niall into the empty house. "Come in, please. Would you like a tea or some cocoa or something?" It's decorated much like the hall was although just a bit more _Zayn_ -like, whatever that means.

Niall nods her head softly, a little request for cocoa coming from her lips. "You can sit, Niall. Not everything of mine is that fragile." Niall doesn't understand what she means, she's so fucking _daft_ , and she nods like a dumbass as she sits and Zayn disappears hastily behind a curtain acting as a door to the kitchen.

"Fuck," Niall curses, her head bowed as she rubs her hand on her pants. She can't believe how clammy her hands have become in such a short amount of time. Niall looks back up to take in the space, takes in the pictures of a whole family of Zayns hanging in the hall and the effortless glow of the whole space from the same mellow yellow walls to the paint stained couch.

"Sorry, I don't know how you like your cocoa, but it's my mum's recipe. I think you'll appreciate it," Zayn says as she brings out a white mug with the words _fly me to the moon_ on the side. Zayn takes up the space across from Niall on the little leather love seat. It's cold under her bare feet, her body curling around her own black and white polka dot mug.

The two girls sit in silence, their eyes downcast and hands wrapped around the warmth from the mugs. It's never been awkward with the both of them. Never ever. It's always been oddly nice and comforting for the two of them to be so open and for the both of them to just lock themselves away from each other is so weird, the tension like a heavy cloud over their heads.

Niall, on the one hand, feels the way the cocoa burns down her throat, choking down all the words she wants to say and all the things she wants to take back. She wants Zayn at her side and she wants Zayn's long hair beneath his fingers and her bare feet pressing cold under her thigh. She wants all of that with such a desire, the heat rushing up to her face quick.

Now Zayn, on the other hand, can't stop the irrational way her heart beats. She likes girls, but she likes boys, and she likes Niall, but she's never liked a girl like this. Actually, now that she thinks of it, she's never liked anyone like this. Not with this urgency to see them everyday even when the last thing she wants to do is make the trek to a coffee shop for a half an hour or so of bliss just to make the trek all the way back home again. Zayn's never been one to go out of her way to ensure someone knows she likes them. She's not like that.

It's strange, in a way, different for both of them, but similar as well.

Niall loves Zayn. Simple as that. She's completely enamored by Zayn to a point where Niall thinks that the possibility of her never even getting Zayn is unfathomable. It's unreal.

Zayn loves Niall, too. Loves the blonde girl very much. But what is love, even? She's never known it. She's never felt it. What if Niall doesn't even love her love her?

"Zayn-"

"Niall-"

They speak simultaneously, eyes immediately locking together over the coffee table. Zayn feels her toes freezing up at the way Niall's eyes have absorbed the cold of the city and transferred that chill straight to her core.

"Zayn, I'm sorry." And Niall speaks first. "I'm sorry I kissed you without asking and took over without asking and have been a complete ass to you and haven't just fucking asked for once if this is anything that you've wanted or if I'm just too self absorbed and have hurt you in the process and been a dick and-"

And Zayn speaks second. "Niall, please stop apologizing. I don't want you to be sorry for any of those things. You never did anything to me. You're so amazing and beautiful and sweet and I'd be a damn fool to not appreciate that completely," she says. "I'm sorry I don't know who I am or what I want."

Those words make Niall's heart ache, the way Zayn looks down immediately like she's ashamed of herself.

It would take Niall inhuman strength to resist herself, so she doesn't when she gets up and kneels in front of Zayn's curled up knees. Her hands aren't touching, but they're a warm pressure close by.

"Zayn," she says seriously, the black haired girl not looking at her. "Zayn, look at me." Still, nothing.

"Please, Zayn, let me see you," Niall whispers so silently, her voice laced with raw emotion. Zayn turns her head up until she's giving Niall her big, brown, Bambi eyes.

"Don't apologize for not knowing those things. Don't you dare. Zayn," her hand falls on Zayn's knee, the black haired girl gasping softly. "I know I'm gay. I'm so fucking gay, it's remarkable. I'm a whole different sexuality." Niall smiles a little at the way Zayn giggles cutely, without preamble. "And I know I love you. I know I am one thousand percent in love with you. And you know what? You don't have to love me back. You don't have to even acknowledge me anymore after this. Because you know what love is? Love is patience. Love is waiting and letting go. Love is me waiting patiently at that damn coffee shop everyday to see your beautiful face brighten my day. That's love.

"I love you, even if you don't love me or even yourself. I love you even if you don't know who you want or what you are. And with that love, I'll help you find your way, okay? Will you please let me help you find your way?"

Zayn feels it's right in her chest. She nods for Niall's eyes only, the blond pulling her into a deep, warm hug that makes Zayn gooey. She tilts her head into Niall, into the way her lips feel against her temple, before she wraps around her and hangs on tight for the rest of the night.

**_6\. +_ **

The sun shines bright through the thin pink of curtains that reflects harshly against the sweet of the mellow yellow wall that Niall's grown to love very very much. It's bright and it's obnoxious and it's enough to make Zayn groggily check the alarm clock beside her bed.

 _12.00_ , it blinks repeatedly, Zayn's eyes widening as she reaches for her phone lying under the bed. _10.26_ , it says there. 

"Shit, shit, shit, Niall! Niall, get up!" she swears, her hands immediately shaking the blond girl lying on her stomach. "Niall, we're late for work!" The words seem to seep into Niall's head as she shoots straight up, her hand slipping to check her phone.

 _Missed Calls_  
Lou Lou (5)  
Lima (7)

 _iMessage_  
Harrrrry (4)  
Lima (10)  
Lou Lou (26)

"Fuck, Lou's going to kill me," Niall says as she stands up to grab her clothes from the floor, her black Batman boxer shorts stark against her naked pale skin. "Z, where's my shirt?"

"Niall, I don't- Wait, I'm wearing it!" Zayn yells from the kitchen before she strolls into their disaster of a bedroom, shirtless, and tosses the dirty black uniform at Niall. It literally smells like sex and weed, two things Liam would kill her for reeking of while at work. But it would have to do, that shirt being the cleanest.

The two girls press for time, Niall getting her Converse on haphazardly, her feet pulling into a hopscotch as she tries fitting her damn heel in. When she finally gets it, she goes to the kitchen where Zayn's made her _turkey bacon_ ("Zayn, this is a disgusting excuse for bacon." "Well, I can't eat pork so it's this or nothing.") and eggs and put them in a quick little lunch bag. Zayn takes care of her girl, no big deal.

"Baby, you're not even dressed. You're gonna be so late to work," Niall says when Zayn ushers to the door and tries pushing her out.

"Yeah, I'll survive. Louis might actually have your head and Pauline really loves me. She'll cover for me," and, right, part time bookstore friends exist unlike part time coffee shop friends as Niall turns to Zayn at the door.

"My Z," Niall says. She presses her hand at the base of Zayn's back as she brings her in so close for a kiss, the black haired girl arching on her tippy toes. "Have a good day, Princess. I'll see you at the shop later, yeah?" Niall doesn't even have to ask. She already knows.

"Yes, of course, my Niall. Now go before Louis bans you from my house again." Zayn pushes the blonde until she's out the door, a shooing gesture to part with.

But Niall, being the insatiable Niall she is, turns around and yells loud enough for even Mrs. Valdez downstairs to hear, "Zayn Malik, oh how I love you!"

It still sends shivers down her spine.

Zayn smiles at her, her lips pursing to blow a kiss to her blonde counterpart.

"I love you more, Ni!"

"Can't when I love you the most, Z!"

They're loud and they're abrasive and the possibility of them being kicked out of the tiny apartment soon is immense, but Zayn chuckles as she shuts the door and lets herself breathe for a second.

This is exactly who she wants to be.


End file.
